When a baby elephant is first brought to the circus, they tie him to a stake with a simple rope.
He struggles, pulling and straining against the rope, but he cannot cut it and eventually gives up.
As years go by, he grows up to be a massive and powerful animal who can easily break chains let alone a rope.
However, he doesn’t even try. Why?
Because he is convinced it’s pointless… that he is powerless and cannot escape.
Like that elephant, we also hold limiting beliefs.
What’s dangerous about them is that they’re so embedded in our minds that often we don’t even question them. And we don’t recognize that they’re the core cause of our struggles and failures.
So in this article, I’ll give you a proven framework to reprogram your brain based on actual psychological principles and not on magical thinking.
By breaking these mental chains, you’ll free up precious mental energy that will allow you to achieve things you didn’t know were possible.
Now, let’s start by tackling the greatest obstacle of all—the one I like to call the boss of the bosses.
And that is…
The Fear of Failure
No matter who you are or how much you’ve achieved you’ll experience the fear of failure.
But failure it’s not just inevitable; it’s essential for our growth.
You’ve probably read this quote by Michael Jordan:
I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.
I don’t always have to hit the last shot but I do have to walk away knowing I did everything I could to win the game.
Now, even though we can recognize the benefit of failing we also hesitate to face uncomfortable situations necessary for our growth.
This hesitation is often due to Anticipatory Anxiety.
So we have this time before we have to do something and here we are feeding our false beliefs and narratives.
We exaggerate the consequences of failing; we think it will be too much discomfort; We procrastinate dealing with it….
All of these add up and we are seduced by our anxious and lazy brain to give up.
Afterwards, we can justify our decision but deep down we know the real reason why we held back.
But what happens when you decide to ignore all of this worthless noise and just do what you have to do?
You’ll feel great later because you confronted your fears and realized they weren’t as bad as you imagined.
They never are.
The more challenges you face, the more you understand what’s actually real, and the more confident you become.
In this guide, I’ll give you the necessary insights and tools to make this process easier. And if you want to go deeper, I recommend watching my video on psychological hell.
But first, let me share a story from the book Art and Fear that illustrates the idea that the more often you fail, the more likely you are to succeed.
A ceramics teacher divided his class into two groups.
One group would be graded solely on the quantity of work they produced.
If they made 50 pounds of pots, regardless of quality, they would receive an A.
The other group would be graded on the quality of their work—they needed to produce one perfect pot to get an A.
By the end of the class, something interesting happened:
The highest-quality works were all produced by the quantity group.
While the “quantity” group was busily churning out piles of work and learning from their mistakes, the “quality” group spent their time theorizing about perfection and ended up with little to show for their efforts.
In other words, failure helps you quickly understand what works and what doesn’t. And by making the necessary improvements each time, you move closer to achieving your goal.
So, focus on perfecting the working process, rather than striving to get the perfect result.
Now that we have tackled the biggest obstacle to our growth, we are in a great position to start overcoming our limiting beliefs.
The ‘Reflect and Act’ Approach
The idea behind it is simple.
You take time out of your day to deeply analyze your beliefs. You try to learn as much as possible about these beliefs so you can disprove them.
Think of yourself as a programmer trying to find and fix the bugs in your code, otherwise, the software won’t work properly.
However, reflection alone is not enough. During the rest of your day, you need to focus on being fully present in the moment. Pay attention to what’s happening around you and how it makes you feel.
This helps you in three ways:
First, you are focusing on what is happening… you are focusing on reality.
Because when you’re distracted you’re more likely to empower your limiting beliefs.
Second, you’ll identify the negative thoughts and emotions and by giving counter-arguments as we will discuss a bit later you will be able to prevent them from escalating.
And third, you’ll uncover limiting beliefs that have been covertly operating in your mind for years.
I know that being fully attentive is not easy so I’d suggest reading these books:
Stillness Is the Key by Ryan Holiday and Deep Work by Cal Newport.
Alright, let’s discuss strategy:
#1 Clarify Your Limiting Beliefs
Your limiting beliefs are exaggerated so you need to make them more clear.
For example, “I always feel anxious around people”.
Now, I ask a simple question: is there an exception to this belief?
Well yes, I don’t feel anxious around my best friends. But when I speak to strangers and in group conversations.
So we went from:
Always to Sometimes
All People to Some people
With a simple question.
Now we have a clear view of our problem we can identify the actions that are fueling this belief:
For example:
- I avoid meeting new people
- I avoid talking to strangers
- I spend too much time alone
- I only hang out with a close group of people
So I want to do the opposite:
I attend social events or groups that align with my interests,
I engage in conversations with strangers when the opportunity arises
I set time to visit more places and that increases the likelihood of meeting new people
In the beginning, we often hesitate to take action because we believe it will be very uncomfortable, right? But we cannot change unless we take action.
So when trying to break a limiting belief or develop a skill, the most important thing is to make a clear decision to do whatever it takes to achieve this.
Because here’s the deal:
When you’re ambivalent, your brain will spend a lot of energy worrying and coming up with excuses not to do it. Trust me, our brain is a master procrastinator and is very creative in finding ways to avoid uncomfortable situations.
However, if we are adamant that we have to do this…
What happens after is that even if you have negative thoughts, you’ll be able to ignore them.
Instead of dealing with things that are not real; you’ll focus all of your energy on accomplishing the task. It will take less time, less energy, and much less stress.
In other words, by making a clear decision to change, you’re turning your brain into an ally.
So far we have learned some pretty effective ways to break limiting beliefs but about overcoming bad habits.
In this case, I have found it very helpful to illustrate the bad habit as a structure and figure out how to destroy it.
This leads us to the next strategy:
#2 Destroy the Structure
Let me give you an example from my life to better understand how it works.
When I was trying to lose weight, the biggest obstacle I was facing was binge eating.
After many weeks of reflecting and paying attention to my behavior, I managed to figure out the underlying mechanism and presented it in my notebook. The language is Albanian by the way.
Now I think that this mechanism is very similar to other bad habits and it can help you better understand the habits in your own life so I have translated and illustrated how it works using EdrawMax:
When you’ve struggled with a bad habit for a long time, even a moment of weakness, in my case, being tempted by a delicious meal or beverage can lead to a downward spiral.
Since I hadn’t fully committed to my diet, I experienced a lot of inner conflict.
At the same time, things weren’t going well in my life, which made me feel vulnerable and lowered my confidence.
Consequently, I give in for just one moment and end up binging and ruining the progress of the entire day or even that week. That’s self-sabotage.
Then I’d try to avoid responsibility. I was like I’m doing the work but it’s not possible. Things just don’t work out for me.
Then I go back and repeat this once again. And that’s how I get stuck in a vicious cycle.
Now to get out of this cycle, we need to be aware that we are in it, identify the negative actions, and do the opposite…
Make up your mind to do whatever it takes to overcome the challenge because the lack of commitment causes an inner struggle.
Focus on the process not on the outcome so that you’re not easily discouraged.
Pay attention to every moment, especially when you’re more likely to slip. You know, I used to repeat to myself the AA mantra, “One moment at a time”.
If you slip, take responsibility, understand why it happened so you can prevent it from happening again, and move on.
#3 Give Counter Arguments
Look, when you face difficult situations, you instantly have negative, self-defeating thoughts right?
But when you have written down smart responses, you’ll disarm them and face the situation with little to no discomfort.
That’s why, to continue with the example, in my notebook I’ve identified the limiting beliefs or as I like to call them, the primary illusions:
- It’s just a small indulgence
- The day will be boring without food
- As long as I exercise, I don’t have to diet
- I have no energy
In the following pages, I have written down my best arguments against these illusions.
But keep in mind that this is the final version because I have many other notes that I’ve written throughout those weeks.
What I’m trying to say is that you’ll figure out the actions, illusions, and persuasive arguments as you are researching and experiencing. That’s why it’s important to understand the benefit of failure because you won’t get it right the first time.
Writing can help you systemize what you learn and connect the dots faster.
After many years of struggling with binge eating, I finally had a sense of limit. I could consume as needed, no more no less, without any temptation.
And I got more confident because I destroyed a powerful habit.
#4 Follow the Trailblazers
Make a habit of seeking people who have achieved what you want.
Immerse yourself in their journey – listen to their struggles, observe their mindset, and if possible, spend time with them.
By doing so, you’ll start to believe that what once seemed impossible is now within your grasp.
The 4-Minute Mile
For decades, some of the best athletes in the world failed to run 1 mile in 4 minutes. And many of them considered it a natural limit, that it is beyond what the human body can achieve.
Then Roger Bannister broke the record in 1954.
Since then, over 1000 runners have achieved this milestone.
What happened?
Did humans suddenly evolve into super runners?
Of course not. The only thing that changed was the collective belief about what was possible.
But how did Roger manage to set the record?
At the time, he was a medical student at Oxford University, balancing his studies with his training.
He followed a scientific approach – He meticulously recorded his training times and progress and made the necessary changes. He also implemented interval training, where you train intensely followed by light activity or rest. Back then, this was a relatively new strategy.
And he put the same effort into training the mind as he did in training the body.
“The mental approach is all important because the strength and power of the mind are without limit. All this energy can be harnessed by the correct attitude of mind.”
As we have said before you’ll achieve amazing results by correctly applying the most basic principles.
Change the Narrative
We all have false stories or narratives we tell ourselves about who we are and how the world works. And they are very powerful because they’re built on multiple limiting beliefs.
But here’s the good news:
Once you challenge and disprove even one limiting belief, it can trigger a chain reaction that can allow you to disprove other beliefs because they’re similar and equally false.
And you would be able to dismantle the entire story. So, it won’t poison your mind anymore.
Now, from what I have noticed there are 5 main types of narratives:
1. Defeatist Narrative
Here we believe that based on our past experiences we are defeated and there’s no point in fighting anymore.
I’ve always been this way, so why would anything change now?
I have no control over what happens in my life
I fail in everything I do, so why even try?
I’ll never be as good as [insert name]; I might as well give up
I’ve accomplished nothing worthwhile in my life; success isn’t meant for someone like me.
I’m not worthy of love and affection because I’ve made too many mistakes in the past.
I’m addicted to [drama/food/games/sugar/weed/alcohol/porn], and I can’t overcome it
In the past I have wronged others, so I deserve to go to hell and suffer for eternity.
2. Unfairness Narrative
By feeding this narrative that we are the victims, we are stripping away the power to change because we are living in the past. We are constantly feeling angry, and bitter and we’re eating ourselves up about things that other people did.
People always take advantage of me because I’m too nice
Bad things always happen to me, and there’s nothing I can do about it
Others have had it easy because they didn’t face the challenges I’ve had to endure.
It’s my parents’ fault that I’m like this; they set me up to fail.
If I hadn’t been bullied or mistreated, I’d be in a much better place now.
I’m a weak person because I didn’t fight back hard enough.
3. Incapable Narrative
It is rooted in the belief that we don’t have the necessary abilities and tools to handle life’s challenges.
I always end up saying or doing something embarrassing; I can’t trust myself in social situations
I can’t stand being ridiculed or judged by others so I must avoid it at all costs.
It’s impossible to handle negative thoughts
I cannot tolerate boredom. I need constant stimulation to keep going.
I need to be absolutely certain before I take any action because I can’t handle doubt or uncertainty
It’s better to have toxic friends than to be alone
I must impress these new people I’m meeting
I’m not interesting enough to keep their attention
4. Entitlement Narrative
This is when people want preferential treatment based on simply who they are and of course they get very disappointed when they face reality.
I’m a highly sensitive person, so others need to be extra careful in how they speak to me.
I always treat people with fairness and kindness, so they should do the same for me
If someone doesn’t treat me with the respect I deserve, then they’re a bad person
People should recognize my value and cater to my needs without me having to ask
5. Grandiose Narrative
This is when we have an inflated sense of self-importance, leading to unrealistic expectations and a disregard for other people’s perspectives.
I have a magical ability to make people do what I want
I’d never do something foolish, because I’m a very intelligent person
I’m always right, and it frustrates me that others don’t see it
I have to be the center of attention
I must excel in all areas of my life, or I’m a failure
If I make a mistake, it will ruin everything, and everyone will think less of me
If it’s not perfect, it’s not worth doing
