We’ve all encountered emotional manipulation in one way or another.
Maybe you fell for someone who showered you with love, only to pull away as soon as you started to trust them.
Maybe a family member guilt-tripped you to do something against your better judgment.
Maybe your boss kept promising you a promotion, which then pushed you to work harder, yet he never kept his word.
Sure, you felt hurt for a while. But eventually, you moved on.
Unfortunately, that’s not the case for everyone.
Many people get stuck in long-term abusive relationships. They become so entangled by invisible psychological chains that it takes years to break, if they ever do.
In this article, we will expose these hidden emotional manipulation tactics that are used to control you.
Once you understand how they work, every manipulation attempt becomes obvious.
1. Finding The Perfect Target
If you’ve read my other articles in the Dark Psychology series, then you already know that everyone is vulnerable to manipulation.
But some people are more vulnerable than others.
And emotional manipulators (an abusive partner, a toxic family member, or a narcissistic boss) will seek those people to fulfill their insatiable need for control.
To understand who’s most likely to fall into their web, I break it down into two groups:
The first group includes people who have been beaten badly by life.
For example, someone who grew up neglected by their parents or has just come out of a bad relationship may be starving for love or validation.
They might feel lonely, unworthy, and discarded. These are classic signs of someone with low emotional well-being and low self esteem.
A manipulative person will sense their vulnerability like sharks sense blood in the water.
And they will tell you what you want to hear. They’ll say things like, “I know that others have hurt you, but I’d never do that, and I’d never abandon you.”
The second group consists of individuals who have also struggled in life, but they haven’t lost hope yet. In fact, they’re too hopeful.
They operate on the belief that “If I just try a little harder, things will get better.”
For example, they have gotten out of a toxic relationship, but they still idealize love and believe that the next partner will be the one.
Or a dedicated employee keeps working hard despite being constantly sidelined because they think it will eventually pay off.
They notice the glaring red flags. But they have convinced themselves they’re just one step away from the life they’ve dreamed about.
In both cases, the Machiavellian will craft a persona and a narrative that is tailored to your needs.
Through their words and actions, they’re sending the message:
“I completely understand what you’re going through, and lucky for you, I have exactly what you’ve been looking for.”
In a romantic relationship, you experience love-bombing, while at work, your boss will act like a mentor who gets your career dreams.
As long as they look the part (the perfect partner, the caring parent, the cool boss) and stay on character, then you’ll buy into their narrative. Everything is designed to exploit your emotions for personal gain.
And here’s the thing: It doesn’t matter how skeptical or smart you are, you’ll take a leap of faith and trust them because they have impacted you on a deep emotional level.
Then the manipulators will exploit the…
2. Sunk Cost Fallacy
This is when you think, “I’ve invested too much to quit.”
The more time, money, and effort you put into something, the harder it becomes to abandon it, even when it is patently evident that it’s not working and only making you miserable.
You’ve heard how scammers ask for a small favor or a tiny payment before taking everything.
It’s the same with gambling. People start with small bets “just for fun,” and hours later, they’ve lost almost everything they had. They might start frequenting that place and eventually develop a gambling addiction.
Emotional manipulators follow the same strategy. They start with a simple request. It might be a small promise, to keep a secret, or do something that pushes your boundary just a little.
Meanwhile, you’re spending more and more time with this person.
They’re building rapport with you, and they’re carefully laying out their compelling narrative… that you’re on the path to get what you’ve craved for so long.
And you keep investing.
Now, different people have different emotional hungers:
If you’re lonely, then they will often dangle the promise of love and companionship.
If you seek approval, they will offer validation in seemingly random moments.
A quick note: Please read about intermittent reinforcement.
If you crave security or success, they will hint that if you stay loyal and don’t complain, then you’ll get stability or a big payoff in the future (financial or emotional). Although, the time is not specified or is just a damn lie.
So, regardless of your situation, the process is essentially the same.
At the beginning, they’re attentive. They ask a lot of questions about your hopes, fears, and wounds you carry.
Then they craft a persona and a compelling narrative that hits those pain points you unknowingly revealed. They’ll deliver the performance with superficial charm and strategic excessive affection.
The next step is to make a minor commitment. For example, you agree to stay away from a friend they’re jealous of, you loan them some money, or volunteer for an extra project at work.
You end up making another commitment, then another, and another… and each step is slightly bigger.
Quitting means surrendering to the reality that all these previous efforts were in vain.
That’s a painful reality to accept, so you double down and actively convince yourself that you’re making progress when you’re actually sinking deeper into the abyss.
If you don’t stop the emotional exploitation right here, then the more time passes, the more you increase the…
3. Cognitive Dissonance
In the beginning, you’ll be completely drawn by their story because you’re on an emotional high.
But you start getting cold, and that’s when you start having doubts. Your instinct or the unconscious mind is reacting to a negative emotional tone, but your rational mind doesn’t want to believe it.
You notice:
Inconsistencies – You know, they don’t practice what they preach, or their stories don’t add up. They claim to love you… But their actions leave you feeling hurt and confused.
The boss keeps hammering the importance of teamwork, but plays favorites and ignores repeated complaints about the toxic environment.
Outside Warnings – There are always skeptical people who will look out for you.
They might have dealt with similar situations, or they just have an intuitive feeling that this person is toxic.
Either way, they will warn you:
- This relationship is not healthy.
- This coworker is using you.
- This job looks good on the outside, but trust me, this place is a mess.
Past evidence – Look, abusive individuals probably didn’t start with you.
They have a history of treating other people the same. And they work hard to conceal those facts.
Eventually, though, the truth finds its way out.
You might discover your partner treated their ex the exact same way. (A pattern seen in narcissistic abuse)
Or you’ll hear that multiple people quit because of the very boss who’s now undermining you.
You might even stumble across someone online sharing their story. You’ve never met them, but their story is eerily similar to yours.
You would think that the mounting evidence would convince you to walk away. But this is where cognitive dissonance comes into play.
Here’s how it works:
When you hold two conflicting beliefs, you’ll feel very uncomfortable. To alleviate that discomfort, you must determine which belief is true and keep that one.
In this case, you have the ever-increasing evidence that this is a highly manipulative relationship.
But on the other side, you’re clinging to an older, deeper belief that…
This person is the answer to your loneliness.
This job is your big break.
You’re too smart to be manipulated.
Unfortunately, you’re more likely to choose the second option.
You treat these pieces of evidence as nonsense and actively try to convince yourself that the story is, in fact, true.
Your mind has an automatic emotional reaction to the pain of truth, so it will accept the lie because it is more comfortable in the short term.
And while you’re working overtime to protect the fantasy, the manipulator adds another layer of control…
4. Social Reinforcement
This time, you have serious doubts about the relationship. You have started to think, “Maybe my friend is right, this doesn’t feel healthy.”
But then, you’re surrounded by other people who encourage you to stay.
For example, an abusive partner might work hard on winning over the mutual friends or family members. So they will praise him, “He’s such a great guy, you’re so lucky to have him.”
Or maybe it’s your mother brushing it off: “Every family has problems. You need to be more patient. He means well.”
I believe this happens because she was abused too, and has convinced herself that this kind of behavior is normal. So she repeats that same logic to her daughter. It’s a form of generational emotional abuse.
By the way, women can be abusive too.
They might make their partner’s life miserable in private. But in social situations, they will be sweet, funny, and understanding. So the mutual friends or family members will never suspect that she’s not a good person.
The same thing happens in toxic workplaces.
People will accept poor conditions and even endure straight-up abuse for years because they haven’t been able to quit and find something better.
As a defense mechanism, they try to convince themselves that this behavior is normal.
So when you start working there and notice how messed up the place is, they will try to deny it. They say things like, “This is how the industry is. Toughen up or you don’t belong here.” This is also an example of passive aggressive behavior masked as career advice.
If you don’t quit, you’ll gradually adapt to that environment. You’ll either continue being a victim or become an abuser yourself.
At this point, the manipulator barely needs to convince you anymore… you’ll do it yourself.
You’ll defend him/her in front of other people, even to the point of arguing with friends who try to help you.
You might even convince your family and friends to buy into the manipulators’ narrative.
Essentially, you act as your own warden of this emotional prison.
Once he has full control over the narrative, the next step is to silence all the outside voices that might pull you back to reality.
He’ll initiate the slow and devastating process of…
5. Gaslighting
This is the classic weapon of emotional manipulation. Whenever you express doubts or call them out on their toxic behavior, he will forcibly shut you down.
And sometimes he’ll raise the stakes.
He/She may resort to emotional blackmail and say, ‘After everything I’ve done for you?’
That simple sentence reframes the entire relationship as if they’re carrying the entire weight.
What they say is utter BS, but every debate ends with you feeling upset, dumb, and guilty, even though you have done nothing but please them.
Eventually, you become scared of expressing yourself freely and stop questioning them altogether.
What’s worse is that whenever you bring up specific incidents, they will quickly flip the script.
A skilled abuser can go from being cruel to being a pitiful victim in seconds.
They will use a strategy called DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender).
After this, you don’t make them reflect on their behavior, but you might even end up apologizing to them. And if other people are present, you might be perceived as the abusive one.
At this point, you’re entirely isolated. You don’t really think that other people will believe you, heck, you barely believe yourself.
You are constantly walking on eggshells. You strive to please their every whim and hope to God that today they won’t be cruel to you.
Now, some individuals with borderline personality disorder will display clear signs of emotional manipulation. But it’s important to make the distinction between having a mental health problem and being malevolent.
The first individual will lash out in a brief moment, especially when they feel scared or overwhelmed. They might even be manipulative, but later they’ll regret their actions and will genuinely want to repair the damage.
On the other hand, a malicious emotional manipulator will not feel any remorse. In their mind, everything is justified and normal.
They will twist their words without any second thought. Their goal is to make you doubt yourself.
What’s worse is that eventually, you become their advocate. When other people point out their behavior, you’re the first to defend them, “She’s under a lot of stress, she didn’t mean it,” Or “He’s only yelling because I often make mistakes.”
So far, we’ve covered emotional vulnerability, the sunk cost fallacy, cognitive dissonance, social reinforcement, and now gaslighting.
All of them are powerful, invisible psychological chains that combine to form the ultimate shackle…
6. Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is what happens when you’ve been conditioned to associate your abuser with both terror and comfort.
They are the ones hurting you, but they are also the ones “rescuing” you from pain. It’s a cruel strategy that can entrap even people with high emotional intelligence.
This kind of relationship floods your brain with a chaotic mix of stress and reward chemicals.
Their harsh behavior increases your cortisol and fear levels.
Then, out of nowhere, they switch it up and behave nicely. They shower you with affection, which triggers dopamine (reward) and oxytocin (attachment).
Over time, this emotional roller coaster makes you addicted to that person.
So you’re not stupid or weak for feeling addicted to them. Your brain has been chemically hijacked to associate them with survival, and your intense emotional reaction becomes part of the bond.
No doubt, this is super confusing to other people. That’s why they say, “Why don’t you just leave?”
What they don’t understand is that you genuinely believe that you can’t leave.
According to studies, it takes an average of seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship for good.
Each time you try to leave, that chemical cocktail will drag you back.
It feels like quitting a drug. You might experience cravings and anxiety.
Some people even report saying, “I know he’s toxic, but I miss him so much it physically hurts.” Or “I hate what she does to me, yet I feel like I need her.”
Let’s list some signs that you are trauma bonding:
- You know they’re abusive, but you feel like you can’t let go
- You often downplay their behavior
- You forgive and rationalize their mistreatment
- Your world revolves around getting their approval (spoiler alert: you never get it)
- You strive to get back to those “good times.”
So this is the most powerful chain. It is the culmination of all the mind games and manipulation tactics.
However, it is perfectly possible to escape an abusive relationship.
First, you need to acknowledge that you’ve been stuck in this destructive cycle.
Know that your loyalty to that person is not out of love, but it’s a psychological response to trauma.
Trauma bonding is a common, documented phenomenon, so you don’t have to feel ashamed about it.
Survivors often report that they took the necessary steps to get out of that relationship after they learned about those emotional manipulation techniques. Once the confusion cleared, they could finally see the situation for what it truly was.
The second step is to seek help from a therapist. If you cannot find a good one in your city. You can try online therapy. You can even search for non-profit organizations that can provide shelter or job opportunities if needed.
Final Words
Enduring abuse will clearly destroy your mental health. And I know how difficult it is to escape those psychological traps.
That’s why I have explained them in detail with real-life examples… so you can recognize what’s happening and begin to free yourself.
But there’s another aspect that you should consider.
If you continue to lie to yourself and continue justifying mistreatment, then two things are likely to happen:
First, you’ll slip into a state of apathy. You’ll stop caring about yourself. You’ll think that everything is meaningless and reject life.
Second, which in my view is worse, you risk becoming an abuser yourself.
Without realizing it, you will target those vulnerable people and use the same manipulative tactics on your partner, kids, friends, coworkers, and employees.
You won’t necessarily do it out of cruelty, but because you’ve internalized this behavior as normal.
You’ll slowly become less empathetic and suppress your conscience.
So it’s not just about improving your emotional well being. You’re fighting to protect your humanity.
