People love to talk about themselves.
They also love to conceal their true thoughts, feelings, and intentions.
But let me tell you a little secret:
Everyone has a weak spot.
And with the right words, you can find it, poke at it, and get them to reveal everything while thanking you for having the conversation.
This approach is called Elicitation.
It is commonly used by FBI agents, the CIA, doctors, lawyers, parents, prosecutors… anyone who needs to uncover sensitive information.
It may seem complicated, but they’re just taking advantage of basic needs and behaviors. They know that if they frame the conversation in a certain way, we are more likely to spill out our secrets.
Mastering elicitation is easier than you think and can be an incredibly useful skill.
It can help you distinguish friends from foes, build instant rapport with strangers, and of course make people more inclined to tell you the truth.
In this in-depth guide, I’ll explain the core elicitation techniques and the mindset required to apply them effectively.
#1 Presumptive Statements
You casually make a statement or observation that might be right or wrong and wait for them to respond.
If you are correct, he will agree and provide additional information.
If you are wrong, he will disagree and provide additional information.
For example, you suspect that your sibling is having problems at school.
Now if you ask them directly, “Is everything okay?” they might give a vague response like, “Yeah, everything’s fine.”
So you use a presumptive statement: “I remember the exam season being the worst. I bet you’re buried under a pile of study notes.”
They might agree and talk about how overwhelmed they feel or say something like, “Actually, it’s not the exams, the problem is…”
This works because people have a strong tendency to correct others and often underestimate the value of the information they’re giving.
Now, presumptive statements can give you direct answers but in other cases, you’ll need a more covert approach.
#2 Elicitation Sandwich
The law of primacy and recency tells us that people tend to remember the first and last parts of a conversation, while the middle is often forgotten or overlooked.
So if we place the elicitation between two unrelated topics, it will be less likely to be recalled later.
Now, the elicitation sandwich is often used by social engineers to get sensitive information about a company.
For those who don’t know, social engineers are basically hackers with strong social skills. They’ll target people who work there and use manipulation to get them to do things that compromise the security of the company.
But social engineers are not always the bad guys. They can also be employed by the company itself to discover their weak points.
Either way, if you fall for them, you’ll probably lose your job because you’re the weakest link in their security.
Let’s take a closer look at how this works:
Imagine you’re an employee of a fast-growing startup.
You’re sitting in a coffee shop near the office, maybe you’re at a tech conference, at the airport. Whatever. It’s been a stressful day and you’re finally taking a break.
Then a friendly girl casually starts a conversation with you.
She’s like, “Work has been so crazy lately. Sometimes I can barely keep up.”
You nod, because who doesn’t have those days?
The conversation flows, and soon she’s talking about her boss:
My manager is so careless. He leaves passwords on sticky notes. I told him it’s not safe, and he’s like ‘You’re just being paranoid.’ Can you believe that?
You can. So you jump in. “Yeah, my coworkers don’t even bother with two-factor authentication, and it’s company policy.”
Boom. You just gave away sensitive information.
She got what she wanted but she cannot end the conversation right there because it will be the last thing you talked about.
So she adds another layer:
“I guess carelessness is everywhere. Maybe we should buy a “Security for Dummies” book for our managers.”
Hey, I notice you have a fitness tracker. Do you run?
And you’re talking about running, stay active, the weather… unrelated topics, right?
Now, you’re probably wondering, how did she know you work for that company, or that you’re a person who’s concerned about security?
Because she did her homework.
She analyzed the company website and found your name, or someone at the company was careless so she found a file with a list of the employees by using advanced Google operators also known as Google Dorking.
Then she scanned your social media. Built a quick profile and that’s how she knew what angle to use.
Now, let’s dial it up a notch.
The following is one of the advanced elicitation techniques. It is subtle and much more powerful:
#3 Gaining Emotional Leverage
Elicitation isn’t just about getting information. It’s about stirring emotions
Now sometimes you make them feel intensely so they open up more easily or you do it to throw them off their game.
This can help you turn the situation in your favor, especially when you’re in a different or hostile environment.
To better understand how we can gain emotional leverage, let’s analyze the interrogation scene from the movie The Dark Knight. If you haven’t seen it yet, please skip to the next chapter because there will be spoilers.
So they finally catch the Joker and bring him to the police station.
Batman tries to get him to talk using direct questions and brute force.
But Joker is playing a different game.
Instead of giving straight answers, he uses presumptive statements to guide the conversation exactly where he wants it.
Batman realizes that he’s getting nowhere so he uses physical force once again.
And still… Joker doesn’t care.
In fact, he takes it one step further and implies that Batman and Rachel are in a romantic relationship even though she’s engaged to Harvey Dent.
“You know, for a while there I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her.”
Batman is usually so calm, and so in control, but here? He loses it.
His laughter says it all – He has succeeded in cracking Batman’s composure.
Then he reveals where Rachel and Harvey are, forcing Batman to choose:
Save Harvey or save Rachel!
But here’s the thing…
Throughout the interrogation, Joker is laying out his philosophy and it seems like he’s trying to pull Batman into his twisted way of thinking.
But even Joker is not that crazy to believe that he could change Batman’s mentality.
It’s all a distraction, a way to gain time, which increases the sense of urgency and throws him off balance.
Because look, if you can tap into people’s fears, insecurities, and their sense of urgency, you’ll destabilize even the most cautious person.
So the real goal is that…
When the time comes for Batman to choose, he will try to save Rachel because he has feelings for her.
However, he’s so caught up in the moment that he doesn’t stop to consider that Joker could give him the wrong address.
Another thing we can notice is the unwavering confidence of Joker despite being mercilessly beaten – deservedly so, of course.
This stems from the belief that no matter what happens, he will win the game.
Even though he’s in their environment, he’s the one in control. Batman and Gordon think they’re in charge, but it’s just an illusion.
So learn to identify their emotional strings and pull them; create the illusion of control; and use deception to hide your true goal.
The key to making all of this work is the inner conviction that you’ll come out ahead, no matter what.
But it’s important to understand that it comes from extensive preparation and not from arrogance or delusion.
Now, let’s move on to an interesting technique
#4 I Heard About…
A rule of thumb in elicitation is to avoid asking questions.
Questions can put people on alert, especially when you ask about personal information. They might think, why does he want to know this? Why they’re being so nosy?
They become suspicious and are more likely to lie or withhold information.
So we use a different a approach:
You quote a person or a story you read in social media.
This not only plays into their need to correct you but also shifts the responsibility. You’re simply quoting someone else. You cannot be held responsible for the accuracy of the statement.
For example… let’s say that I’m at a bar and I want to know how much the bartender makes.
I might say, “You know, I just read an article online that you guys are now making $20 an hour. That pretty great right?
And he might be like, “What! We’re only making $14 an hour.”
I learned how much they make without asking them, and now I need to back out.
“Oh, I should really stop believing everything I read on the internet”
Now that we’ve seen how quoting someone else can get information without suspicion, but you could get even more by letting them think they’re smarter than you.
That’s the beauty of…
#5 Playing the Fool
People are more likely to open up if they assume you are less knowledgeable than them.
This happens for two reasons:
One, you are not threatening their ego.
And two, they underestimate the value of the information they’re giving or your ability to use that information.
So you act as if you don’t know about a certain subject and you always ensure that what you’re saying doesn’t make them look bad… You know that it doesn’t lower their perceived status.
For example, let’s say I’m having a conversation with someone who works for a competitor company and we are talking about marketing in general but I want to learn more about their social media strategy.
I say something like: “Wow that’s very interesting. You focus a lot on Instagram and TikTok. I always thought those apps were only for younger audiences who just want to kill the time.”
Here I’m playing dumb, I pose no threat to their ego, and I make a presumptive statement that challenges the common belief.
So he will be compelled to explain the exact strategy they use to convert social media traffic for that industry.
Now, I’d suggest practicing these techniques every day until it becomes second nature to you.
Eventually, you’ll be able to construct complex conversations and get information even from highly reserved people or from those who are trained to detect elicitation.
Let’s move on to the lesson that ties all of this together
#6 Profiling Their Needs
As you have realized so far, elicitation is all about psychology. It’s about creating an environment where people feel comfortable enough to let their guard down and share information.
Now, let’s explore 6 basic needs that guide our social interactions. It’s important to understand that we all have these needs but the difference is that a certain need might be more pronounced.
So we pay close attention to their words because they use specific phrases and that might reveal their pronounced need.
Once we identify this, we tailor our communication style.
1. Significance
It’s when we feel that we have a positive impact in the world; that what we do matters… That we matter.
These people will often emphasize how their contribution led to good things.
So, they will use language like
- I was responsible for…
- I played a key role in…
- When I led the project…
- I always make sure that…
Now, to make them feel good about themselves and build rapport, we recognize their efforts.
But keep in mind that flattery might not work especially when there’s a huge gap between your comment and how they truly feel about their capabilities.
So you might want to frame the conversation in a way that they compliment themselves.
For example, you say to your colleague “I heard that the project turned out great. It couldn’t have been easy to pull off. So how did you manage to keep everything on track?”
Now this is a quick example. So you might want to describe the challenge a bit more specifically to emphasize the importance of his contribution.
2. Validation
Validation is when they need to feel understood and accepted without judgment.
They’ll use phrases like:
- I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, but…
- What would you have done in my situation?
- I feel like I’m carrying this all on my own
- I probably shouldn’t feel this way
To make them feel better, we use empathetic statements.
It lets them know you were really paying attention and care for their well-being.
Now, to use empathy statements effectively you need to capture the emotional content of the message. So you repeat back the gist of what they’re feeling.
For example:
It must be very challenging to juggle all those responsibilities. How do you manage to stay on top of everything?
You have been through so much. It’s understandable to feel that way.
You’re handling the situation much better than most people would.
It looks like this matters a lot to you
It sounds like a very difficult experience.
3. Approval
It’s when people are constantly seeking reassurance that what they are doing is correct or right.
They are very polite, they often make self-deprecating comments, and mention how others have assured them before.
You’ll hear phrases like:
“People often tell me I’m very organized and reliable.”
“Others have said I’m quite helpful in situations like this.”
“I feel like this is the best approach, but I’m open to your thoughts.”
“I hope it’s okay if I ask this…”
Now to connect with them we provide positive feedback along with a reason. For example, I agree with you, this is the right approach because 123 reasons.
We also ask them for their opinion or to share their ideas and of course we genuinely pay attention.
4. Belonging to a group
People have a strong need to be part of a group and we are more likely to give preferential treatment and to perceive group members as being nice or smart.
It is such a strong need that we can consider other people as part of our group even if it’s totally made up.
For example, there’s an interesting study by Henry Tajfel.
He divided people into Group X and Group Y by simply using a coin toss.
Even though they had never interacted with each other and their actions were anonymous, they acted as if those who shared this meaningless label X or Y were their good friends. They rated them as more likely to have a pleasant personality and to have done a better job than the members of the other group.
Now we can create a sense of shared identity or belonging simply by using inclusive language.
We all face these kinds of challenges in our field
It’s great to meet someone who understands what we go through
People in our field are really focusing on…
5. Pity
It’s when people go out of their way to tell you how terrible their situation or their life is.
They are like “No one understands how much I’ve been through…”
It’s tempting to offer advice or try to solve their problems, but this is a mistake. They’re not looking for solutions.
So the best way to respond is by using empathetic statements that acknowledge their struggles.
6. Competence
It’s when they want to be recognized for their intelligence and skills.
They are constantly looking for ways to demonstrate their abilities and use phrases like:
“I’ve studied this topic for years.”
“With my background in [field], I understand this issue well.”
“Let me explain this in more detail.”
“Actually, that’s not quite right—here’s how it works…”
So you use phrases that recognize their abilities like:
“You clearly know a lot about this topic.”
“How would you approach this problem?”
“That’s interesting, I hadn’t thought of it that way.”
Finally, it’s the need to portray strength and power.
They want to be perceived as leaders, authority figures, as the guy or gal in charge.
They use statements like:
“I’ll handle this.”
“Let me take charge of that.”
“I know what needs to be done.”
“That’s not important right now.”
“Here’s what I want you to do.”
Now to connect with them you simply respect their authority. And if you disagree with them, you do it in a polite way.
So you don’t want to threaten their authority but you also don’t want to give them the impression they can push you around.
Because if you’re overly submissive you’ll enjoy less respect from your peers and even less respect from those who have a much higher status than you.
An interesting point to consider is why they have this need to portray strength.
In general these people have a very low tolerance for uncertainty.
They have a deep fear of unknown, of uncertainty.
To compensate for this, they try to control as much as they can.
So it’s important to understand that their behavior isn’t just about showing who’s in charge—it’s more about managing their own stress and anxiety.
If you want to learn more about understanding people and persuading them even if they don’t like you, I highly recommend watching these two videos:
