If you have been struggling to deal with emotional pain, then this guide is for you.
I’ll explain 3 psychological mechanisms that have a huge impact on how we feel.
These hidden mechanisms can trigger emotional pain in anyone… the only difference is the intensity.
Understanding them is crucial because it allows you to recognize their influence and manage their impact on your life.
Now, I have taken some examples from the TV series Lucifer to illustrate the lessons, so keep in mind that there will be minor spoilers.
Before we begin I want to say that I’m not a psychologist; everything here is based purely on my personal experience and from reading psychology books.
And if you’re a visual learner, you might like to watch the YouTube Video instead.
Hell On Earth
Think about the worst moment in your life. A situation so impactful that you weren’t the same anymore.
Now, imagine waking up in the morning and reliving that moment.
By the end of the day, you feel exhausted and hope with your entire being that the next day will be different.
But it’s not. It’s quite the same, over and over again.
You’re a very strong-willed person and you don’t give up.
You fight with all your might to escape this mess.
Then days, months, and years go by and…
Nothing has changed. You are still in the same cycle of misery.
You’ve been so caught up in the daily struggle that you’ve lost the sense of time. It seems all your effort has gone to waste.
It’s like being in a quicksand… the harder you try to get out, the more you sink.
Well, this is the depiction of hell according to the show Lucifer.
Now, most of us were raised with a different idea: that if you do bad things, you end up in hell and get tortured for eternity—usually through fire.
I don’t think it’s that scary because eventually, you’d get used to it, right?
Sure, it may take a few decades to get used to being burned to a crisp, but then you’re telling the demon, ‘You’re using fire again? Come on, man, that’s boring. Can you at least change the form of punishment?’
The scariest thing about this depiction of hell is its simplicity.
However, what I find truly unsettling is the depiction of hell in the show Lucifer.
I mean to relive the most painful moments of your life again and again and no matter how hard you try you can’t seem to figure out how to get the fuck out. And the nail to the coffin is that deep, unending sense of hopelessness.
I watched the show a few years ago, and it had an impact because it closely resembled my life.
But after going through therapy I’ve realized that hell is real – But not in the supernatural sense; It’s just that some psychological mechanisms keep us trapped and suffering.
A Brief Story of Lucifer
Lucifer is an angel who rebelled against God. And to punish him, God sent him to rule hell.
He realizes his mistake but believes the punishment is unjust. To Lucifer, his actions were simply a quest for freedom and autonomy from his father’s control.
Now, despite being the king of hell, he’s living in a place isolated from his loved ones. And interestingly he’s surrounded by tormented souls, who just like him are trapped in their guilt.
He yearned for the love and acceptance of his father and siblings, but this isolation reinforces his belief that he is unworthy of love, which is a huge issue he has to solve throughout the entire series.
So basically Lucifer is living in a place where he feels alone, and rejected, and is surrounded by people who are just as lost as him.
Then Lucifer being the rebel he is, decides to leave hell and moves to LA to live among humans.
It is a significant step forward because, in this type of environment, it’s difficult to live a normal life, let alone reach your full potential.
But the guilt is still within him which drives him to punish himself.
We’ll talk more about it in the next chapter, but let’s analyze this mechanism and how it keeps us trapped.
Psychological Trap #1 Guilt
Guilt is a necessary emotion because it helps us make good choices in life. By feeling guilty when we make a mistake we are more likely to be careful so we don’t repeat it in the future.
But it can also become a major obstacle in our life.
According to a study by Nelissen and Zeelenberg, excessive guilt makes us more likely to punish ourselves. We do this by denying ourselves a pleasurable activity or subjecting ourselves to a penalty.
They suggest that we all have this deep belief instilled by society that if we feel guilty then we deserve to be punished.
This tendency is more pronounced when we make a mistake that cannot be fixed, like breaking a family heirloom, forgetting an important anniversary, or cheating. In such cases, there’s no way to repair the harm done, but the guilt demands some form of relief, often through self-punishment.
Here’s where it gets more interesting…
Punishing ourselves doesn’t lead to forgiving ourselves for making those mistakes. You know, it doesn’t help us move on.
So we are more likely to continue punishing ourselves and suffer unnecessarily.
Alright, how can we deal with guilt? How can we prevent it from making us sabotage ourselves?
Let’s start by recognizing the mechanism.
-> We feel guilt
-> It manifests as something else like Anxiety, Insecurity, Procrastination, and Perfectionism.
-> We avoid dealing with it
-> Instead, we try to Distract ourselves with games, food, movies, cigarettes, alcohol, sex… whatever makes us feel comfortable for a while.
-> Since we unconsciously believe that we deserve to be punished, we will do things that make us feel bad or fail.
As you can see, if we want to solve the problem we don’t have to deal with all this stuff. All we need to do is get to the root, which is the reason why are we feeling guilty!
Now we have conscious guilt and unconscious guilt.
When it comes to conscious guilt we know why we are guilty. It’s for something we have or haven’t done. In this case, the solution is straightforward: Accept responsibility and make amends.
But we also have unconscious guilt.
This is when it gets murky because these are reasons we are not aware of and we need to work to uncover them.
From what I have noticed there are 2 main reasons why we feel guilty.
There are probably more, but these are the ones I know.
#1 Often we feel guilty simply for thinking. You know, I think something negative, I say to myself ‘Oh you shouldn’t be thinking this; that’s awful; What if you act on it’.
I fail to consider that humans have over 60,000 thoughts per day, and some will be negative, but it doesn’t mean I will act on it.
Then I avoid it, put it under the rug, with other stuff I hate thinking about.
And as I said, I’ll try to distract myself. Sometimes we don’t do things because they are fun, but because we want to distract ourselves.
#2 We can also feel guilty for something we have done in the past.
Did you know that the unconscious mind doesn’t have a sense of time so if I made a mistake, let’s say 20 years ago, and I didn’t deal with it; That mistake can still haunt me to this day!
What’s more interesting is that we are probably making those mistakes seem worse than they actually were. We do it because we attach emotions and judgments to that situation.
So our memories of the past are not that accurate.
In other words, you should never expect to remember the past exactly as it was.
So identifying why you feel guilty can help you stop sabotaging yourself and move forward.
I know that doing this work alone might be very challenging, and if you feel overwhelmed, you might want to talk to an experienced psychologist.
I’ve given this advice before, and I’ll give it again because the subjects I cover are a bit heavy.
For some people, my articles or videos might give them an understanding of their issues, but to solve them, they need professional help.
In addition, what has helped me a lot in dealing with guilt and other issues is Nietzsche’s perspective.
He encouraged people to analyze and question all beliefs that lead to feeling guilty or repressing themselves.
By doing so, you will be able to fully accept yourself.
This means to accept that you have instincts, desires, negative thoughts, and imperfections. And that there’s no reason to feel guilty or ashamed for being a human.
Alright, the following image is an illustration created with MindMeister of the entire mechanism:
The Devil Face
Lucifer is very charming and fun to be around. But as we said, he’s deeply hurt and isolated and there’s also this narrative that the devil is evil and he’s responsible for everything bad that happens in the world.
He knows this is not true and he’s constantly telling people that it’s not his fault.
But still, when everyone around you puts you into a certain category and treats you differently from what you really are, it creates an inner conflict.
Lucifer is constantly struggling with this misinterpretation people have about him, that he’s inherently evil and monstrous.
This increases his guilt and self-loathing so he has created the devil face.
It is a symbol of self-punishment because it reminds him of the rebellion and all the things that followed. You know, it’s a way for him to punish himself.
Every time he reveals the devil face, it reinforces his self-hatred.
And it’s also a way to keep people away from connecting with him which hurts him even more.
But the most important thing is that despite all of these obstacles, Lucifer is constantly trying to get out of this mess.
He tries to connect with Chloe and the rest of the squad; he helps people; he goes to therapy even though he often misinterprets Linda’s advice (his therapist).
However, what matters is that he is actively trying to get better and eventually he does.
Psychological Trap #2 Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
In the illustration, you can see the entire mechanism and I’ll also explain step by step how it works:
It all starts by accepting information about ourselves or the world that is not true, or we don’t understand it correctly.
Another issue I’ve noticed is that we try to find meaning or explanation for why we have this problem or why we are suffering.
Usually, we search for these reasons everywhere but within.
Maybe we are right. Maybe others are to blame.
But does it help us move forward?
NO.
Then you form Irrational Beliefs about yourself or the problem you’re facing.
You Take Action to solve the problem.
But you are in a very disadvantageous position because you are not thinking clearly about the situation.
When you do that, you’ll fail. It’s that good old principle at play: If you don’t understand the problem, you can’t solve the problem.
Now you have two choices:
The first choice is to reflect and do a cold analysis of the situation.
You might think something like:
“What I have been doing so far, hasn’t been working. So I have to change my approach. I must at least listen to people who have overcome the same challenges. What’s even better I must find an actual expert to help me.”
So you reflect on your situation and change your strategy.
The second choice we have is to refuse to accept reality.
When we fail we tend to blame others or victimize ourselves reinforcing the “Misinterpretation of Reality” or The Illusion.
We also might rationalize our mistakes in the past.
Now, this is very interesting…
Once you become aware that, for many years, you had a distorted perception of reality, and you see that your persistence in this view has caused you a lot of pain, you refuse to admit it.
We tell ourselves, ‘No, there’s no way I could’ve been so stupid.’
Instead of reflecting, we rationalize our past behavior, even though deep down, we know it’s a lie.
We avoid facing uncomfortable situations necessary for our growth and don’t consider the possibility of a different image of ourselves.
And continue to stay in this vicious cycle.
So when we don’t reflect and take responsibility for our behavior, we tend to see these failures as proof that we are incapable of changing or achieving our goals.
In other words, by refusing to admit that we wasted a lot of time and suffered for nothing, we continue to burn even more time and suffer even more unnecessarily.
But if we make the first choice of doing a cold analysis of the situation, accepting the past without any judgment, then we will be able to move to the next step…
Re-Evaluating Our Beliefs
If you have been struggling to solve a big problem in your life for a long time or suffering a lot, then you must re-evaluate all your beliefs.
Of course, this is not easy because beliefs are deeply ingrained. We tend not to question them and may even avoid people who might challenge them.
But that’s exactly what we should be doing.
We should seek experts—people who are actually good at their job—to help us understand what’s real.
For example, when I was losing weight, I started running a lot and eating much less.
And I did lose a lot of weight fast. But I was feeling miserable.
Then I was like, this is not sustainable.
I went on YouTube and found some pretty good advice, I listened to them, did some research myself and went for it.
Long story short, I asked the gym instructor to help me build muscle because I wanted to increase my metabolic rate; I followed his program; I increased my food intake gradually and got rid of the habit of using food to cope with emotions.
Consequently, I got great results.
I didn’t have to be a treadmill rabbit anymore (apparently there’s a term for what I was doing) and most importantly, I didn’t have to diet because dieting fucking sucks.
So basically I had a wrong belief system about food and exercise which was holding me back but by changing it, I solved my problems.
The Downfall of Amenediel
Another interesting character in the show is Amenediel.
He is the strongest angel and God’s favorite son. He would always obey his orders and believe without a shadow of a doubt in God’s plan.
Everything he does is to maintain this perfect image.
Then God tells him to go to LA and persuade Lucifer to back to ruling hell.
What started as a simple task for Amenediel, basically broke him as a man.
How did this happen…
As we said, Lucifer had gone to live with humans and was finally feeling liked, and respected, and also fell in love with Chloe.
So why would he go back to hell?
But Amenediel was so determined to fulfill his duty that he never considered what Lucifer really wanted. And of course, he failed to convince him.
As he failed repeatedly to reason with Lucifer, he started using manipulation and deceit to get what he wanted. Things that he probably never did before.
Eventually, these minor deviations from his normal self, or what you would call following the approach of “end justifies the means”… ended up causing the deaths of innocent people.
So the greatest angel…
The God’s favorite son… had blood on his hands.
After he realizes what he has done, he drowns in guilt.
He has serious doubts about himself because he disappointed God and his wings start to fall.
Just like Lucifer having the devil’s face, Amenadiel losing his wings is a result of feeling very guilty.
So basically he lost the greatest thing he was proud of… himself.
Psychological Trap #3 Perfectionism
Now, his storyline is very similar to a lot of people. And again, I’ll use the mind map to explain the mechanism:
You connect your self-image with what other people expect of you. When you fail to maintain these usually unreasonable standards, you overly criticize yourself.
You start pushing yourself harder, trying to do more for these people.
You rationalize extreme efforts and adopt a mindset that achieving their goals is more important than your own goals or well-being.
After you have done all this work for them, what do you get in return? What is your prize?
Well, since there’s a huge gap between these unreasonable standards and your actions then you’ll be constantly anxious and stressed and you’ll feel guilty because you believe you’re not doing enough.
Eventually, you end up in a place where you don’t recognize yourself anymore.
And you might get stuck in this cycle for a long time.
However, there’s a silver lining; it doesn’t have to be worse from here on.
Of course, when you lose yourself, you feel like shit and become an easy prey to unscrupulous people.
But it can also make you re-evaluate your beliefs and change for the better.
It can be a massively useful tool for personal growth.
Here’s why…
If you’ve reflected on your actions as we talked about earlier, you have more perspective.
You have a bigger understanding of how things work, so when people stress themselves out for minor issues, you don’t.
You know that most issues in our everyday lives are not a cause for concern.
So you become wise and resilient which will be beneficial for the rest of your life.
Now, let’s make a quick summary of how you can get out of hell:
You actively seek the truth and understand the exact problem you’re facing. This means taking a step back and analyzing the situation objectively.
So putting in effort is important, but it’s not enough. Without a clear understanding of your issue, you might be putting all of that effort in the wrong direction.
That’s why I’ve emphasized studying your problem and seeking advice from people who are actual experts in that subject.
Then we have the most important element in getting out of hell… facing reality.
Once you understand what you are truly up against, you need to face it head-on.
You cannot take half-measures.
You either do what it takes or you don’t.
This leads us to…
The Man Who Escaped Hell
Lee Garner is the only character in the show who manages to get out of hell.
Lee is a low-level criminal who always gets into debt and resorts to crime to pay them off.
After he ends up in hell, Lucifer tells him that the souls are not forced to stay there but are trapped by their guilt and inability to forgive themselves. So the only way to get out of the loop is to face his guilt.
Lee had disappointed his family so often that he completely distanced himself from them, believing he would only continue to let them down.
This guilt weighed heavily on him, preventing him from finding peace even in death.
Eventually, he decides to confront the guilt head-on and enters the family home – a symbolic act of facing his deepest fears and regrets.
That’s when he ascends to heaven.
Movies Shots used in this article are from:
- Lucifer
- Fight Club
- Squid Game