The secret to building rapport with someone is not simply about being attractive or confident. It’s about something far more subtle and powerful…
You see, every single person has core needs that shape how we think, feel, or act. When you uncover that need, you can adapt your communication style to meet it, and that’s when the magic of rapport building happens.
It’s like a switch flips in their brain, and they’ll instinctively find you more likable and trustworthy. This will pave the way for a strong relationship that might last for a lot of years.
In my article on dark psychology tricks, I talked in more detail about how you can uncover their hidden addictions, but here, I’ll take it a step further
I’ll give you a simple framework to profile anyone based on a brief conversation and build genuine rapport with them
Now, we all have these needs; But there are one or two needs that are more pronounced than others, and that’s what we are looking for.
Let’s start with the first one:
1. Significance
It’s when we feel that we have a positive impact in the world; that what we do matters… That we matter.
They will often emphasize how their contribution led to good things.
It’s a clear sign that they seek mutual respect and want to be seen as an important person by you.
So, they will use language like:
- I was responsible for…
- I played a key role in…
- When I led the project…
- I always make sure that…
They’ll also maintain a confident body language, which sometimes verges on arrogance, which reinforces their perceived authority.
Now, to make them feel good about themselves and build rapport, we recognize their efforts and constantly reinforce a positive relationship.
But keep in mind that flattery might not work, especially when there’s a huge gap between your comment and how they truly feel about their capabilities. Because, as I’ve said before, in general, people who present themselves as the big shot also tend to have deep feelings of insecurity or inferiority. So your compliment might not land because they don’t really think they deserve it.
That’s why you want to frame the conversation in a way that they praise themselves.
For example, you say to your colleague, “I heard that the project turned out great. It couldn’t have been easy to pull off. How did you manage to keep everything on track?”
Then we point out a specific action or attribution. In this case, we say, “Your attention to detail really made the project work.”
Specific praise means more because it shows you’ve noticed what they value most—themselves.
2. Validation
Validation is when they need to feel understood, accepted, and supported without being judged.
They’ll say things like:
- I’m not sure if I’m overreacting, but this feels like a lot
- What would you have done in my situation?
- I feel like I’m carrying this all on my own
- I probably shouldn’t feel this way, but…
When someone opens up like this, you don’t want to give advice or solutions (at least, not yet).
You must display a high level of emotional intelligence.
In other words, you show that you’re truly listening and that you get what they’re going through.
Now, to make them feel better, we use empathetic statements.
But real empathy is not about saying generic phrases, “Well that sucks”
It’s about capturing the gist of what they’re feeling and reflecting it in a way that feels genuine.
For example:
- It must be very challenging to juggle all those responsibilities. How do you manage to stay on top of everything?
- You have been through so much. It’s understandable to feel that way.
- You’re handling the situation much better than most people would.
- It looks like this matters a lot to you
- It sounds like a very difficult experience.
3. Approval
It’s when they’re constantly asking themselves (and others), “Am I doing this right?”
These people are often very capable, but they have spent many years doubting themselves or have been conditioned to rely on the feedback of other people. So they are wired to seek reassurance.
They are very polite, they often make self-deprecating comments, and mention how others have assured them before.
So they crave having a harmonious relationship.
You’ll hear things like:
- People often tell me I’m very organized and reliable.
- Others have said I’m quite helpful in situations like this.
- I feel like this is the best approach, but I’m open to your thoughts.
- I hope it’s okay if I ask this…
Now to connect with them, we provide positive feedback they’re looking for, but don’t stop there… Make it count by backing it up with a reason. That way, it feels more real and earned.
For example, your friend says nervously, “I’m not sure if my notes are helpful for the group study. Do you think they’re okay?”
You could respond with, “Are you kidding? Your notes are great. You made everything simple and clear.”
Another strategy is to include them in the conversation. So, after giving reassurance, flip the script and ask for their input.
For example:
“I think your approach is spot-on. How did you come up with it?”
“That’s a solid idea. What other suggestions do you have?”
This can be very beneficial because approval seekers usually have great ideas but are hesitant to express them until they feel safe and encouraged.
4. Belonging to a group
Humans have a deep, instinctual need to belong to a group.
Think about the ancient person. For them, belonging to a group wasn’t just nice, it was essential for their survival.
If you roamed alone in the jungle or savannah, you would likely end up as a snack for predators. But when you were part of the group then you would be safer and have it easier to find food.
Fast forward to the modern world, and while the threats to our survival are much lower, the need to belong is just as powerful.
This is a very strong instinct. We’ll form bonds with other people over the smallest, even made-up similarities, just to create a sense of genuine connection.
For example, there’s an interesting study by Henry Tajfel.
He divided people into two random groups: Group X and Group Y, with nothing more than a coin toss. Even though the members had never met each other, they immediately started treating those people who shared this meaningless label X or Y as if they were their friends.
They rated them as more likely to be friendlier, smarter, and more capable than the members of the other group.
Now we can create a sense of shared identity or belonging simply by using inclusive language. You frame it as a shared experience where you have the same goals and challenges.
We all face these kinds of challenges in our field
It’s great to meet someone who understands what we go through
People in our industry are really focusing on…
5. Pity
It’s when people go out of their way to tell you how terrible their situation or their life is.
They will say things like:
No one understands how hard this is for me.
I’ve been through so much, and it just doesn’t seem fair.
It feels like nothing ever goes right for me.
I don’t know why things always go wrong.
In these moments, showing genuine interest in their experience is the foundation of building rapport.
More importantly, you must ask questions to better understand what they’re going through, and you engage in a dialogue where you’re brainstorming solutions.
But in most cases, the conversation doesn’t go that way. Because in most cases, people are not searching for solutions; they just want to vent.
So, what’s the best way to handle these conversations?
Again, empathy is the key.
You encourage them to continue talking by nodding and using verbal agreements like I see, Go on, and Okay.
Once they’ve shared, use empathetic statements.
For example,
- It sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot; that must be exhausting.
- I can see how frustrating this must feel.
- That’s really tough. It makes sense that you’d feel this way.
These statements serve two purposes:
First, they show that you’re paying attention, and second, they help the person process their emotions by feeling heard, which is often what they need most.
And finally, we have the most important step… Always shift the responsibility to something or someone else. The idea is that it’s never their fault. As we have explained before, you shift the blame to a person, the system, or simply bad luck.
This can create a meaningful connection because it can give them temporary relief, which is especially helpful when someone feels powerless.
6. Competence
We all know that one person who loves to be the expert – and if we have to be honest, they’re usually pretty knowledgeable. They dedicate a lot of time to learning new things and diving deep into a subject. And it’s not that they do it just to satisfy their curiosity; they also thrive on being seen as someone smart and capable.
So they’re constantly looking for ways to demonstrate their abilities and use phrases like:
- I’ve studied this topic for years.
- With my background in [field], I understand this issue well.
- Let me explain this in more detail.
- Actually, that’s not quite right—here’s how it works…
For these individuals, building rapport is about recognizing their skills and showing mutual respect for their expertise.
- You clearly know a lot about this topic.
- How would you approach this problem?
- That’s interesting, I hadn’t thought of it that way.
This is a subtle yet powerful approach that can lead to a deeper conversation and a strong personal or working relationship.
Finally, there is a need to portray…
7. Strength and Power
They want to be perceived as leaders, authority figures… as the guy or gal in charge.
They thrive on taking charge and being the person others look to for direction.
So you’ll often hear them use phrases like:
I’ll handle this.
- Let me take charge of that.
- I know what needs to be done.
- “That’s not important right now.
- Here’s what I want you to do.
People with this pronounced need often seek a relationship where their leadership is recognized and respected.
This reinforces their sense of control, which is central to their self-image.
However, if you disagree with them, you do it in a polite way.
You frame your suggestions in a way that doesn’t threaten their authority.
That’s a solid plan, but what if we tweak it slightly to cover X?
It’s also very important that you don’t want to give them the impression that they can push you around. Because if you’re overly submissive, you’ll enjoy less respect from your peers and even less respect from those who have a much higher status than you.
An interesting point to consider is why they have this need to portray strength.
Generally speaking, these people have a very low tolerance for uncertainty.
They have a deep fear of the unknown… of uncertainty.
To compensate for this, they try to control as much as they can.
So their behavior isn’t just about showing who’s in charge—it’s more about managing their own stress and anxiety.
Small talk is a doorway to a meaningful conversation
Many people see small talk as a shallow social ritual. But it is very important because it can help you build rapport with others.
You see, people are unconsciously asking themselves, “Can I trust you?” and “Are you open to connecting” during those first moments of meeting. By engaging in small talk, you send clear signals that you’re approachable and genuinely interested.
This helps people relax and feel safe around you.
Small talk is also a great diagnostic tool. It reveals subtle clues like humor, energy, and values that can uncover their pronounced needs.
Here’s how you can make the most out of it:
* Be present: Your goal is to observe their behavior. What lights the other person up? Where do they laugh or step back? Are they rushed, distracted, or open? Are they giving long answers or short ones?
* Move the conversation forward in a gentle way: Avoid common, default questions like “How’s work?” or “Crazy weather, huh?”
Instead, try, “What’s been the highlight of your week?” or “Is there anything you’re looking forward to?”
* Listen for openings. When someone mentions a recent project, a family event, or a hobby, it usually means that it’s an invitation.
You can respond with “That sounds interesting, tell me more.” Or ask thoughtful, follow-up questions that can encourage them to share.
When you treat small talk as an opportunity, not an obligation, you’ll find it’s the perfect bridge to a deeper, more authentic conversation.
Verbal and Nonverbal Communication
Adopting the right body language can dramatically enhance your ability to build rapport and influence people.
When someone feels you’re fully present (nodding, maintaining eye contact, matching their energy, using the right tonality), then they’ll feel at ease with you.
These nonverbal cues can send the message that you’re attuned to their needs.
Quick tips for mastering both verbal and nonverbal communication:
* Maintain direct eye contact and sometimes glance away to keep things natural.
* Lean in slightly when they’re saying something interesting and sometimes mirror their tonality and posture. This builds a subconscious connection.
* Use a warm, measured tone: A friendly, steady voice puts people at ease. Emphasize key words and use hand gestures to reinforce your points.
* When someone uncrosses their arms, turns towards you, or maintains comfortable eye contact, then these are clear signs that you need to start or deepen the conversation.
* When someone pulls back, shortens their answers, or avoids eye contact, then these are clear signs you need to pull back and give space.
Great communicators are always paying attention and responding not only to what is said but to how it’s said.
The more attuned you are, the easier it becomes to create trust and a genuine connection.
FQA about Building Rapport
What does “mutual understanding” look like in a professional relationship?
It means that both people feel seen, heard, and respected.
You recognize their perspective and intentions even when you disagree with them.
This creates a foundation for mutual trust. It allows for honest feedback, creative problem-solving, and a stronger relationship over time.
How can I build a deeper connection?
You can mention a shared interest or a common experience. That will instantly create a sense of belonging. For example, if someone mentions a love for travel and you also have a similar story, you can briefly share your experience and then ask them to share more.
It’s a simple technique, but it quickly builds mutual trust and allows for deeper conversation.
Why is nonverbal communication so important for rapport?
A person can judge you in a matter of seconds. And your nonverbal communication, eye contact, nodding, open posture, and tonality send a message that you’re worth talking to.
If you don’t think that body language is important, then it will be much harder for you to build rapport.
What are some signs you’ve built a good rapport with someone?
A genuine connection often shows up in subtle ways: conversations flow seamlessly; both people seek each other out for advice; and there’s a willingness to share personal wins or struggles. This is how meaningful relationships and great rapport are built… through small, consistent acts of trust and openness.
How can I find common ground with someone who has diametrically opposing views?
Finding common ground doesn’t mean that you always agree with someone. It’s about focusing on shared experiences, values, or goals, even if they seem small. So ask them open-ended questions to figure out those commonalities.
Once you discover them, sharing a related story from your life can help overcome those differences or send your message across.
I know that it’s not easy. But if you build this skill, then you’ll be able to handle a lot of difficult situations.
If you want to learn more, I would recommend reading my article on negotiation skills.
Final Words
Building rapport is not about memorizing scripts or acting as someone you’re not. It’s about understanding the other person on a deeper level and adapting your communication style to meet them where they are.
It may seem complicated at first, but once you pay attention to that person and you don’t judge them… you’ll be surprised by how much people are willing to share. In some cases, you’ll find out that the person you least expected actually shares your common interests or values.
In other cases, you’ll be able to quickly form meaningful interactions, whether you’re meeting strangers, distant relatives, or colleagues.
