Here, I will not waste your time with some basic influence techniques you can easily find on Google or YouTube. Especially considering that Google has long entered the ensh*tification phase.
But we’ll talk about a methodical approach to rob people of free will… the kind of deeper understanding of human nature that goes far beyond those classic self-help books everyone recommends.
You’ll learn the same things that superstar salesmen and con men know instinctively. And you’ll learn them in one article.
In addition, these lessons are universal. You can use them in everyday conversations, marketing, or sales. But don’t use it to manipulate people.
Or do.
At the end of the day, it’s your choice.
Note: I originally published this article on Reddit. If you’re active there, you can check out my work there as well. I have some great articles on influence and persuasion.
#1 The decision before the decision
Imagine you’re at the mall and you spot a pair of sneakers. You didn’t plan to buy sneakers because you don’t really need them, but a few minutes later, you are standing at the counter paying for them.
On your way home, you tell yourself, “Well, they were on sale. Maybe they will motivate me to get back to the gym.”
But what actually made you buy them?
Well, psychologist Daniel Kahneman has the answer.
In his book, he explains that our mind operates on two intertwined systems.
System 1 is fast and intuitive.
This is where all the beliefs and biases are, which allows us to make quick judgments about people or situations.
It is also where we store our skills and experiences, so we don’t have to relearn the same things. For example, once you learn how to drive, you don’t need to remind yourself of the starting procedure; you just do it.
System 2, on the other hand, is slow and deliberate. You use it to solve those soul-crushing physics problems at school or when you have to make a difficult choice.
But it’s also very lazy. It usually works only when necessary, so most of the time it simply accepts what System 1 suggests.
To continue with the example, for whatever reason (maybe the design, the placement, or that you were thinking about sports), System 1 decided you must have those sneakers. And since System 2 couldn’t care less about an affordable pair of shoes, it simply built a story to justify the choice. This is a perfect example of how thinking isn’t always what drives us.
Now, how does this help us when it comes to persuading people?
Every time you talk to people, their System 1 is evaluating you… Is this person safe? Is this subject interesting? Is it worth my incredibly scarce time and energy?
If the answer to any of those questions is no, then you’re done. They might nod politely, but mentally they’ve already checked out – something you’ve probably seen in more than one conversation.
So before you share an idea, or even say a word, you need to make sure their system 1 feels safe and curious. This is the foundation of building rapport and getting anyone to listen.
Now, let’s talk about how to do that. I’ll give you 4 simple habits you can use in any interaction to…
#2 Bypass the Mental Defenses
The first habit is to step into their world. Always think about what they desire, what they fear, and what they’re trying to achieve at work or generally in life. This sounds simple, but it’s the foundation of every persuasive conversation.
Dale Carnegie built an entire philosophy of human relations on this idea: people are moved by their own motivations, not yours. When you understand that, your ability to read people sharpens fast.
The second habit is to open with intrigue. Based on what you know about them, frame your introduction so it connects with something they already care about.
This is how you create common ground without forcing it. It’s a soft version of what top salespeople do when they try to redirect someone’s attention toward a problem they’ve been ignoring.
For example, here’s a simple template: If they’re struggling with a painful problem, start by describing how it feels; then explain that there’s a solution that very few people know; and use that as a bridge to your idea or product.
It’s the same thing if you want to pick a different angle. If you want to speak to their hopes and aspirations, you paint a picture of where they want to be and what that place really means for them.
Because here’s the thing, they’ll say “I want to get fit; make more money; be more confident…”
But beneath those statements lie desires and fears.
They might crave respect, freedom, peace of mind, and admiration.
At the same time, they might have fears like regret, losing control, falling behind, and being rejected or ridiculed by others.
These aren’t small things. These are the forces that quietly steer a person’s interests and behavior for years.
Now you don’t tell them outright that “You have this fear” or “you want this”. No. You craft the introduction and the overall narrative to address those hidden fears and desires.
The third habit is to use simple language even if you’re talking to a bunch of experts.
What can help you in this case is trying to learn as much as possible about your subject, because when you know your stuff, it’s easier to make it simpler. I’d also recommend noting down clever arguments or unique perspectives you hear from others, or that pop into your mind.
People like Carl Sagan, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Richard Feynman all keep notes… all of them write regularly because it helps them organize their ideas and figure out better ways to say the same thing. So when they speak, they sound effortless and clever.
The fourth habit is to not confuse brevity with clarity. Many people strive to pick the best words and keep everything short and polished. But this makes them sound like those typical politicians.
I’ve made this mistake for a long time, and I still struggle with it. But I’ve realized that as long as you understand people and have some structure on how you speak, so they can follow your train of thought, then everything is fine. You can express yourself freely, like you would with a friend or a family member you trust.
#3 Give People Permission to Think
We all suppress some thoughts and feelings because we were taught that it’s wrong to have them. Or maybe we fear that saying them out loud will make people think less of us. This is one of the quiet tragedies of human nature…we edit ourselves long before anyone else gets the chance to judge us.
And the more we suppress, the more resentment builds under the surface — not always toward others, but toward ourselves for not saying what we really mean.
And that, I believe, is one of the main reasons we love comedians. They have this uncanny ability to say out loud what we’re all thinking but too afraid to admit. They break the invisible rules of polite conversation and somehow make it feel liberating instead of inappropriate.
You know, they send the message ‘Look, it’s okay to think this way or feel this way.’
What’s even more powerful is when they put into words exactly how we feel about an issue.
Great comedians don’t just tell jokes; they give people permission… the same kind Dale Carnegie talked about when he encouraged leaders to show empathy and genuine understanding.
You can do this by cultivating 3 habits:
First, be open to new experiences – Try to meet new people and say yes to different situations, even if they make you uncomfortable. New environments expand your social skills because they force you to see the world through different eyes.
Second, take time to reflect on those experiences – What do they teach you about the world or yourself? Reflection builds resilience, but more importantly, it sharpens your ability to understand why people act the way they do.
And most importantly, avoid judging people.
If you adopt these habits, you’ll become very charismatic because you’ll instantly convey the feeling that it’s comfortable talking to you and that they can open up to you about anything. In other words, you radiate warmth. They can sense that you won’t judge them, and that alone makes people feel respected and genuinely seen, which is a form of honest appreciation most people never receive.
#4 Give People Permission to Feel Superior
Most people want to feel superior. They will not say it out loud, but it’s there… It’s the belief you have that you’re smarter and have worked harder than the average person.
The problem is that, in every society, you’re told to hide it, to act as if you’re no better than the rest. Even when people accomplish something big, they downplay it. Carnegie wrote about this decades ago in How to Win Friends and Influence People: people want recognition, but they’ve been trained to refuse it publicly.
Have you noticed how humble some athletes are after winning a gold medal or the World Cup?
And then you have people like Ibrahimovich and Muhammad Ali who are unapologetic about their capabilities.
Now, earlier, I mentioned the habit of not judging people. The same thing applies here. When someone is talking about their achievements, even if they’re bragging, don’t make that face that says they’ve crossed a line.
Since people are used to hiding their pride, the moment they sense judgment, they close off. Instead, ask them genuine questions about what they did and what were the biggest struggles.
In addition, when you compliment people, don’t use generic phrases like you’re great, but be specific, like “You see things others miss,” or “Not everyone could have handled that.”
#5 Psychological Affinity
In his book The Ultimate Sales Letter, Dan Kennedy tells an interesting story about working with a food bank.
If you study persuasion or influence skills, you eventually run into this example because it shows how small psychological adjustments change behavior dramatically.
This charity had been sending out letters that said things like, “These hungry children won’t have a good Thanksgiving,” along with a few sad pictures.
It was already working — donations were coming in. But Dan saw an opportunity to make it even better.
He was like, Who is our target audience? They are mostly rich, old people, right?
So why don’t we add another picture in the sales letter of a child who could easily look like their nephew or niece?
Better yet. Let’s add a picture of a big family enjoying Thanksgiving dinner, along with the caption: “You have plenty. They have none. You must help us.”
That’s it. He didn’t change anything else.
The results!
They got three times more donations.
Now, why did this work?
Dan understood that these people would feel more compassion toward a child who looks like their nephew or niece. And it’s not just them. We all have this tendency to help or connect more easily with people who feel familiar.
Another way he improved the message was by adding a clear contrast between two situations.
On one hand, you have the abundance that these people and their families enjoy. Meanwhile, you have the heartbreaking poverty of those children. That contrast hits directly at a person’s internal nobler motives… the part of them that wants to be generous, responsible, and decent.
This created a sense of guilt and urgency, which prompted them to donate.
So he created a narrative that influenced people on a visceral level. It bypassed logic entirely and went straight to human nature, where real decisions are made.
However, the charity’s leaders didn’t feel comfortable with this approach and reverted to the old message. They thought it was too manipulative.
#6 Compelling Definitions
Giving definitions is the quickest way to lose people’s attention because they are complicated, dry, and fucking boring. But every once in a while, you see someone explain a complex idea and make it feel alive.
It’s like watching a magician reveal a trick in slow motion, and you’re like, “Now I get it, it’s quite simple, actually.”
That’s rare. It’s the mark of someone with real expertise, not someone who memorized technical terms.
One of my favorite examples is from the movie The Big Short.
Jared Vennet is a banker with a crazy idea: the US housing market will collapse, and they can make a fortune by betting against it. If that weren’t difficult enough, he’s pitching the idea to 4 of the most skeptical, cynical people on Wall Street.
Obviously, they’re very hostile right from the start. But Jared is witty and prepared, and by the middle of the presentation, one of them says, “Alright, how can we bet against the housing market, as you say?”
Now, when he introduces the credit default swap, which is the tool they’ll use to bet against the housing market, he doesn’t give a technical explanation full of numbers and jargon. Even though he’s talking to people who are in finance, right?
So he answers:
With something called a credit default swap. [The Financial Instrument]
It’s like insurance on the bond [Analogy to make it simpler to understand],
and if it goes bust, you can make ten to one, even twenty to one return [Opportunity or Why should you care about this tool or concept],
and it’s already slowly going bust [Urgency and Intrigue]
This is the same pattern you see whenever great communicators explain something complex. Cicero did it when he broke down legal and political ideas for the public. Carnegie used it constantly in his lectures. Even modern communicators like Bezos and Musk rely on simple definitions and sharp analogies when they need people to grasp something technical.
The sequence doesn’t matter as much as the energy behind it.
#7 The Art of Framing
Many people tend to have the same style of arguing.
They passionately make their case, but when it’s your time to speak, you can tell from their faces that they’re not actually listening. They’re thinking about what to say next. Or they constantly interrupt you, which is annoying as hell.
In this case, you shouldn’t continue talking; you need to stop, reframe the situation in your favor, and only then share your view.
For example, “Look, I want to have a conversation like adults, which means we listen to each other. But if you keep interrupting me, it shows you don’t really care about what I have to say. So why should we even have this conversation?”
Here, you have positioned yourself as having the moral high ground, and if they agree, they’ll be more open to your ideas. If they don’t, at least you won’t waste time.
Another typical example is when people set a time frame or speak in a condescending tone.
They might be like, “Let’s finish this meeting quickly. I only have 20 minutes.”
Now, what happens if I say, “Thank you for your time. I know you’re very busy, so I’ll try to make the presentation quickly.” Well, I automatically lower my status in that situation. I’m saying that my time is less valuable than his.
It also presents him as a prize to be won.
When, in fact, we want to convey the opposite. That our time is also valuable, that he better not waste it, and that what we offer can help him solve his painful problem.
So when he says, “I only have 20 minutes”, I could say, “That’s okay, I only have 12,” Or “Well, we can schedule another time.”
With a simple response, you have framed the interaction in your favor.
Now, if you want to learn more about framing, check out my article on Cicero
#8 Analogies
Analogies are like shortcuts for the brain. They help us connect ideas and make sense of the world quickly.
And when you use them well, they’re also a powerful tool for persuasion because they can simplify your message and speak directly to people’s emotions and instincts.
Now, if you want to craft effective analogies, you need to consider two key elements.
The first one is to choose topics that your audience already understands.
If they are sports fans, frame your message with sports analogies. If they like biology, then you use biological metaphors.
And if you don’t know their interests, rely on universal themes like nature and war.
The second element is that the analogy needs to reveal an important truth:
For example, “You never know who’s swimming naked until the tide goes out.” This is an analogy that Warren Buffett uses to illustrate how deep flaws in businesses are only revealed during times of crisis.
Or, consider the slogan of the iPod: 1,000 songs in your pocket. They turned a complex piece of technology into a relatable and irresistible idea.
#9 Looks Matter
We have all heard the expressions: “Looks don’t matter” or “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
And that’s a beautiful notion.
But it’s incorrect.
In reality, we assess and judge people by how they present themselves. And research consistently shows that we perceive attractive people as more likable, competent, and trustworthy.
Now, if you’re not physically attractive, or you have no money, or both, does that mean that you’re doomed to fail?
Of course not.
It just means you have to work harder.
You can go to the gym and build muscle, which will automatically make you look better; Get a nice haircut; learn how to dress well; Become an expert at something; and, most importantly, develop a magnetic personality. Those who are good with people will always have lots of opportunities.
Because at the end of the day, people may or may not judge you by how you look, but they will remember how you make them feel.
And if you want to learn how to leave a lasting impression wherever you go, check out my comprehensive course, The Social OS. It’s everything I’ve learned over a decade about confidence, charisma, and persuasion. And subscribe because I’ll post more helpful guides.
