FBI hostage negotiators seem to have extraordinary skills. They can connect with people who have done or are capable of doing horrible crimes.
And they can stay calm in situations where wrong decisions can cost lives.
However, the reality is that FBI agents, just like other professionals who must perform at a high level… all understand ONE key thing:
You will achieve amazing results when you correctly apply the most basic principles.
It may seem obvious yet we ignore the fundamentals sometimes and then we fail.
For example, FBI agents used to follow the rational approach in negotiation: “Tell us your demands, and we’ll do our best to fulfill them.” You know, they tried to create a win-win situation.
But a few deaths showed that there’s clearly something missing.
And the missing puzzle was that in stressful situations people don’t make decisions based on logic but on emotions.
So, considering this principle, they devised a clever strategy called tactical empathy.
And it worked. They saved a lot of lives.
But here’s another cool thing…
We’ve all been using tactical empathy, without even realizing it.
For example, think about a time when you helped a friend calm down when he was angry or upset.
Now, here I’ll give the framework to employ tactical empathy consciously and effectively.
Mastering this skill will give you immense power over any social situation.
What is Tactical Empathy?
Chris Voss is a former FBI negotiation agent who popularized the concept of tactical empathy.
Here’s how he defines it in the book Never Split the Difference
Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another person and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you can increase your influence in all the moments that follow.
You don’t have to agree with their values or beliefs. You don’t even need to feel what they’re feeling.
We use tactical empathy to understand their position, why their actions make sense (to them), and what might move them.
Throughout the entire interaction, we keep our primary goal in mind, and everything we do is calculated to help us achieve that goal.
Two Common Mistakes in Social Situations
The first mistake is losing our composure.
Getting angry, upset or judgmental will make people feel uncomfortable and they won’t share information.
Now, even if we don’t express these feelings, they can often sense it.
Neuroscientists believe this happens because of mirror neurons. When we observe someone doing a task or showing emotions, our brains react as if we are doing or feeling those things ourselves.
For example, when someone is smiling, the same areas in our brain are activated and we smile or at least feel better. Or if a work colleague is feeling angry, the rest will likely feel uncomfortable around him.
So, it’s important to keep our cool during the conversation. We want to transmit a sense of calm, a sense that it’s comfortable to talk to us.
The second mistake is being overly empathetic.
Often, when we see someone feeling angry, sad, or upset we try to feel the same because we think it helps. You know, we wallow in their negative emotions.
But despite our good intentions, we’re not actually helping. The reason is that since we are both in an emotional state, we’re less likely to find a logical solution.
So if we want to help them, we don’t need to feel their emotions.
Instead, we use empathy to understand what’s behind those negative emotions so we can help them calm down and make smart decisions from NOW ON.
This means that we don’t judge them, or criticize them or make a list how often they fucked up in the past.
We just ACCEPT that we have a problem and always keep our focus on the goal. And our goal is to find a logical solution.
I know this is not easy.
Most people, when facing a problem, have this default reaction to criticize and blame others, themselves, or even the universe.
And then what happens? That mindset clouds their judgment so they end up saying the wrong things.
What has helped me a lot in this case, is reading psychology books.
Having a general understanding of why people behave the way they do has actually helped me be more empathetic, less judgmental, and less angry – I used to have anger issues.
Now, I’ll give you three powerful techniques that will help you deal with people and stay calm in difficult situations.
#1 Labelling
Labelling is when we identify what they are feeling in a subtle way.
It’s very helpful when people are upset because the last thing we want to do is ignore their emotions.
But by identifying and articulating their negative emotions, you help in reducing them.
How can we apply it?
First, don’t start with using the pronoun “I” because it sends the message you’re more interested in yourself than in them.
You’re also taking responsibility for what follows. If you misidentify their emotion; it will harm the interaction and you essentially take the blame.
So we should start with phrases such as:
- It sounds like…
- It seems like…
- It looks like…
- It feels like…
For example, ‘It sounds like you are very upset about this situation. It feels like it meant a lot to you.’
The second step is to stay quiet and listen to what they have to say. And don’t fall into the temptation to explain how you made this observation. Just shut up and listen carefully.
#2 Creating the Illusion of Control
We all have preconceived beliefs about various issues and have convinced ourselves that this is the right way.
Some beliefs are strong, while others are weak. Regardless, we will protect these beliefs and our perspective.
The only difference is the effort we put into protecting these beliefs.
For example, religious and political beliefs are very strong so we put a lot of effort to protect them.
That’s why when you try to persuade someone, their automatic reaction is to resist hearing arguments that go against these beliefs.
Now, we can argue all day long why their perspective is wrong. But would that work? No. It will make them even more persistent in their view.
However, there is a simple way to reach anyone:
We ask open-ended, calibrated questions designed to make them see the situation differently.
Now the key to asking calibrated questions is being clear on what our goal is.
Your goal might be changing a core belief.
Or it might be getting out of a difficult situation
Let me quickly explain each scenario.
If my goal is to destroy a strong belief, I won’t tell someone that their belief is wrong, stupid or stuff like that.
Instead, I’m going to spend time studying this belief to find its root. Why does he believe this?
And since I won’t attack his perspective directly, he won’t put much effort into protecting it.
So I come up with questions that can lead him to the core of the belief and just plant some doubts.
That’s what I want to do right now… plant the seeds of doubt. Then I constantly redirect their attention to the piece of evidence or arguments that shake this belief. And eventually, that doubt will grow in his mind and then he’ll stop believing.
The second scenario is getting out of a difficult situation.
For example, if someone is venting; instead of being angry at them we just ask calmly something like “What is the best way to proceed from here?
Or if someone is making an unreasonable request, we ask in a sincere tone, “How am I supposed to do that?”
In addition, we should avoid questions that have simple yes or no answers.
We should also avoid questions that start with Why?
Like why are you doing this? The reason is that it sounds like we are making an accusation.
Instead, we can frame it differently, like “What caused you to do it?”
This takes away the emotion from the question and shifts the responsibility somewhere else.
#3 Seek the Unexpected
No matter how smart and prepared you are, you’ll find yourselves in situations where you are out of your depth. And you might feel overwhelmed by the fear of uncertainty and failure.
Most people (including me) grew up avoiding situations that fill us with anxiety, right? And we might have avoided facing new situations as much as possible and tried to control the future by thinking about ways it could play out.
As a result, we didn’t learn to tolerate uncertainty.
This has severe consequences because without realizing we are spending more time imagining things than actually doing things.
And trust me the real situation is never more challenging than the one in your head.
Because what’s the worst it can happen?
You’ll feel uncomfortable for the time being, you might lose something; you might fail. And you’ll feel bad for a time but eventually you’ll get over it, right?
So the pain you might experience is temporary.
On the other hand, when you avoid facing those situations and you spend most of the time daydreaming, then the pain lasts for a long time.
And it gets worse… this mentality can bring you two major problems, especially in social situations.
The first issue is that since you strive to control the situation when unexpected things happen, as they always do, you won’t know how to react effectively because your judgment is clouded by fear.
The second issue is that you become predictable.
For example, when I debated someone, I tried to guide the conversation where I felt confident… you know, where I had more knowledge.
But those who paid attention realized my game, and they flipped the conversation or framed my strength as a weakness.
The third issue is that we start developing a massive ego and consider these failures as “proof” that we’re a loser.
This totalistic, black-and-white mentality caused me a lot of pain. That’s why I have studied it and covered it in my documentaries on YouTube.
How to Radicalize the Average Joe
The Devil’s Charm: How Cult Leaders Enslave Your Mind
Becoming Super Adaptable
When we strive to control the situation, we become more anxious, and very predictable… which is the opposite of what FBI agents are.
They are super-adaptable, unpredictable, and take full advantage of the situation, no matter whom they are dealing with.
Now, how can we become like that?
First, don’t connect your sense of self-worth with a certain skill. Or learn to detach yourself from everyday situations.
In this case, whether you succeed or fail at persuading people, doesn’t mean you’re a winner or a loser.
When you get rid of this massive weight, that even if you fail, it won’t affect how you feel about yourself, then you’ll enter into social situations with a sense of calm. And you’ll transmit certainty which will dramatically increase your influence.
The next thing to do is uncover what you don’t know.
When you’re persuading someone, they’ll give objections to your ideas, right? But they are not important. They are not the real obstacle. They’ll conceal the real reasons why they aren’t doing what you say.
Related: How to Sell Like Jordan Belfort
That’s why we are attentive and ask calibrated questions to uncover that hidden information.
So make a habit of being open to unexpected situations and always try to uncover the hidden information.
Just keep in mind that they might not even know what they are hiding or how important is the information they have.
If you want to learn more about being calm, confident, and persuasive, I have created a Notion page where I recommend some incredibly helpful books.
And if you study these books. Not read them. Study them. Then you’ll gain an unfair advantage in ANY social situation.
Now, we’ll analyze an interesting case where Chris Voss, who at the time, was the head of the FBI International Negotiation Team, used Tactical Empathy to save a journalist kidnapped in Iraq.
And remember, we can use the same techniques in daily interactions.
The Case of Jill Carroll
In 2006, Jill Carroll was kidnapped by Sunni Muslim Insurgents in Baghdad.
She was on her way to interview an official when her team was ambushed.
Shortly thereafter, they published a video where she is seated on the floor while three men are standing behind her. Now the FBI negotiation team understood they wanted to present themselves as a legitimate authority to judge people.
Another important detail was her hair. Leaving her hair uncovered violated their rules. So, the negotiation team pointed out through media outlets that they disrespected her.
Then her father made a video saying: “My daughter is not your enemy. She was reporting what was happening in Iraq. And if released, she would go back to reporting the sufferings of Iraqis to the world…”
The team coached him to basically tell the truth about why she was in Iraq and to not use predictable phrases such as ‘She’s innocent; Leave her alone.’ Because it might give them some kind of justification to hurt her.
The team also knew it was in their culture that honor flows from the father.
They saw him in the media and told her that ‘her father is an honorable man.’ The team didn’t know this but at that moment, the negotiation was over. She was safe.
In the next video, her view was different… She was by herself speaking to the camera, and her hair was covered.
82 days after they took her, she appeared on the streets of Baghdad very close to the location where she was captured. She returned to her home safe and sound.
As you may have noticed, every step of the way the team considered why the actions of the criminals made sense to them and used that information to influence them.
Now, we won’t have to deal with these kinds of high-stakes situations but we will deal with people who are very upset, angry, or scared.
So understanding their emotional hunger and the actual reason they’re upset will help you deal with them and get the most out of the situation.
This is a principle that when applied correctly will give you a lot of influence over people.
